Thought of the Week: Self Compassion

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." 

~ Joseph Campbell

Think about Joseph Campbell's words for a minute; really let them sink in and make themselves known to you. At this very second (which is now already past us) the world's population is 7,476,906,780. That number is absolutely staggering in my mind. I'll admit that my gag reflex is triggered when I think of those numbers, as it is each time that I visit the World Population Clock website at http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/ which lets you watch the numbers of births and deaths in the world speedily click by in what appears to be real-time. That, however, is not the point of this post (though perhaps for one in the future). The point I'm trying to make here is that, in a world of 7,476,907,987 people, (Yes, that's what it climbed to in the few minutes that it took me to write the above sentences! Told you it's eerie!) you are the only one 'you', and that is something to celebrate.

I know, some of you might be shaking your head and smiling indulgently for my benefit right now, acknowledging that the softy Kindergarten teacher in me is emerging. Here she goes, spreading her Dr. Seuss-like message of uniqueness, as when that brilliant writer committed to paper the lines, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” But it IS true!!! Out of 7,476,908,826 people (so scary!), not one other human looks just like you do, thinks just like you do, acts just like you do, or feels just as you do. This is amazing! 

And yet too many people spend so much of their lives trying to change who they are, very often trying to be like one of those other 7,476,926,929 people (I took a coffee break with a friend between this and the previous paragraph, but seriously, that's a lot of people born during the time it took me to drink a latte!). It feels as though we're constantly being bombarded with contradicting messages in the media and society at large. It's boggling, being encouraged on one hand to be ourselves while facing headlines, how-to lists, articles, friends' advice and magazine covers boasting the key to how we can become something other, 'fix' ourselves, or become/look/act more like someone or something else, very often a celebrity of some sort in the public eye. 

"I found in my research that the biggest reason people 

aren't more self-compassionate 

is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent. 

They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. 

Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says 

being hard on yourself is the way to be." 

~ Dr. Kristin Neff

It often seems that the messages we receive are encouraging us to be 'better' versions of our current self. Now, don't get me wrong, I see the value in striving to be one's best self, in being a healthy and self-aware individual. But all too often we are using someone else's barometer by which to measure ourselves, and we've convinced ourselves that it's our own. We place emphasis on the perceived ideals of a society run rampant with stereotypes and marketing campaigns. We will, of course, be happier if we flutter lashes as long as the mascara model's. We will attract the perfect partner if we act and speak in a particular way. We must do 'this' to be the perfect parent, 'that' to land the perfect job, and umpteen other things to lead a happy life. And for goodness sake, with 7,476,933,925 other people on the planet to compete with for those jobs, partners, and for that happiness, we'd better toe the line and start changing. And fast!

Yet that happiness tends to elude so many as they strive to be more of 'this' or less of 'that'. Even those who see themselves as compassionate people, being kind to others and never dreaming of putting someone else down, do not show themselves that same kindness or respect. I constantly hear people I know, men and women alike, berating themselves for not doing more, trying harder, being better, reaching higher. For not measuring up. 

Many experts argue, however, that if you are not self compassionate, you are not truly capable of being compassionate to others; if you do not love yourself, you cannot fully love another. Might the case be that if we are constantly judging ourselves, we must as a logical consequence, be judging others as a natural byproduct? Are we playing the compare game, measuring everyone in our scope against these perceived standards? 

I've noticed that I've used the word 'perceived' multiple times throughout this post, and it triggered a connection to a previous post that I wrote here about fear: http://balancingb-g.blogspot.ca/2016/11/thought-of-week-fear.html. In that post, I talked about fears often being groundless, a mere product of our darkest imaginings, our thoughts, which are all too often not founded in reality. Think about a worry that you've had recently, something that's had you concerned, perhaps even quite anxious. Our bodies often react viscerally to this type of worry, tensing as the stress seeps in. Now try to step back from that worry, that fear, and look at it as though from the perspective of a removed bystander, through the lens of someone who knows that everything will turn out alright when all's said and done. Your thoughts about something dictate how you feel about them, and those feelings thus dictate how you react to them. 

The running commentary in our heads, that internal voice that tries incessantly to guide us through our lives from within, very often offers a less than compassionate narration of things. It is often fueled by perceived realities, which are ultimately nothing more than our own fears and imaginings, our thoughts that have often been moulded by a society trying to paint us into a picture that does not reflect our authentic selves. When I think of the 7,476,938,345 people in the world, too many of whom want to change something intrinsically 'them' in order to fit in or achieve a perceived standard, I want to weep. As a mother, when I think of two of those 7,476,938,621 people as being my amazing young daughters, I wish fervently that they might know self compassion at the deepest level, and that we might all practice kindness to ourselves so as to surround our children with the best modelling possible.

"Be kind to yourself. 

Remember that when you abuse yourself, 

you will experience the anger, regret and apathy of the bully as well as the depression, anxiety and insecurity 

of the victim. 

Whatever you do, be kind to yourself."

~ Vironika Tugaleva

Being that I consider everyone reading this blog a friend (to whom I'm ever-so grateful), and I have vowed to stand up to anyone who bullies my friends, I am now going to stand up to any voice inside of you that tells you you are anything less than marvelous! We are here on this planet for but a relatively short time. I hope that more of the 7,476,939,254 people here can savour the time as the uniquely fantastic creatures we are. As many have said, the world would be a terribly boring place if we were all the same. Allow yourself to be the authentic self you were meant to be. Forgive yourself. Strive to be happy, whatever that means to you, but make sure it is a happiness that resonates for you, and that it is not the perceived happiness that you think you would do best to seek. 

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. 

You really have to love yourself 

to get anything done in this world."

~ Lucille Ball

As one of the 7,476,939,756 (and counting) folks here on Earth, I do believe that we can make the world ever so much better if we all love ourselves just a little bit more. Well, I suppose there are a few out there who appear to have oodles of self compassion and plenty to spare. But for the rest of us mere mortals, just think about what you could achieve if you believed in yourself even a fraction as much as a certain Twitter-crazed, soon-to-be President of the United States does! Truly, the possibilities seem to be endless.

My wonders:  Do you practice self compassion easily, or is it a struggle? Do you follow any advice that helps you to be more self compassionate? If you are a parent, do you feel that you model self compassion? How? 

On an after-note, my family and I are heading off for some fun and relaxation in the sunny South next week, so I will be unplugged during that time, contributing even more infrequently to my blog than I have been! But that's okay, because I can forgive myself for my unpredictable and infrequent posting, as well as for my lack of technical know-how . . . there we go: practising what I preach! Lol!

Logistics: Clearing up Some Confusion regarding Navigating my Blog

As someone who has always enjoyed writing but whose strong suit has never been navigating technology, starting a blog was just a wee bit outside of my comfort zone. I had actually never even read a blog until shortly before embarking upon my own, so this has been a rather steep learning curve for me, to be sure. 

And yes, I'll fully admit that my novice status as a blogger has shown itself on numerous occasions, the first being that I launched my blog back in September without having a tried, tested and true means of having people 'follow' me. Truly a beginner's mistake!

The problem is, that issue has followed me (no pun intended, but heck, it works!) through the months and now into my fifth month of blogging. Several friends approached me during the holidays, bringing up my blog of their own volition (thank you for your kindness!!) and saying they've read a number of my posts but that they don't know how to follow me and/or reply to my posts. I'll do my best to try to demystify these logistical hazy areas.

How to 'follow' me on my blog

For starters, most people who have successfully begun following me have agreed that it is easiest to do so on a large screen (i.e., a laptop or desktop computer) as opposed to a small screen on a mobile device. Following these steps should lead to success:

1. Go to my blog website at https://www.BalancingB-G.blogspot.com

2. Go to "Follow By E-mail", on the right-hand side of the screen, under all of the follow options. Input the e-mail address to which you would like to receive my posts, and click "Submit".

3. You will arrive at an "Email Subscription Request" page. Complete the subscription request.

4. Respond to the verification message received via e-mail by clicking on the highlighted link.

5. You should now be following my blog. Any time that I publish a new post, which varies in frequency, you should receive an e-mail copy of it. While I do not know who follows me by e-mail, please consider yourself in that group of fine folks whom I silently thank each and every day!

Some of you have clicked the "Follow" button on my blog, but have reported that you do not receive any notifications regarding BalancingB-G. But some of you might . . . this is a grey area for me. It seems that this option may only provide you with notifications pertaining to my blog if you are a blogger on this site yourself. Not very helpful for most of you . . . I'm sorry that I've misdirected so many of you. ~sigh~ Between my lack of technical know-how and this being a free blog site, this entire process has not been as simple as I would have hoped.

If you are not receiving my posts after having gone through the above process, please contact me via any personal contact info you have (Facebook, BBM, e-mail, texting, old-fashioned phone call) and I will try to help.

How to 'reply' or 'comment' on a blog post

The next problem relates to commenting on one of my posts. I was very disappointed to learn from several of you that you had left comments on some of my posts, or more aptly, that you thought you had, but there were no comments to be seen. A comment left successfully should appear at the bottom of the post itself. Also, I reply to every comment left by my readers. Every single one. So if you have not received a reply, I have not received your comment.

Following is the step-by-step process for leaving a comment if you receive my blog post via e-mail. Alas, it is not nearly as straight-forward as one would hope.

1. At the bottom of the e-mailed post, you must click on the highlighted "Balancing B-G" link. This will direct you to my blog website.

2. Now you will find yourself at the top of my entire blog, not necessarily where you wanted to be or comment. Sorry! You will have to scroll to the post you wished to comment on. Sometimes I feel like my blog is from the 1990s!

3. Once you have scrolled to the bottom of the post on which you'd like to comment, you must click on the highlighted words "No comments" (should no previous comments have been made already) or "2 comments" (for example, should two comments have already been left). So "no comments" does not mean that no comments are welcome, it simply means that none have been left, and you are more than welcome to change that!

4. Now you can type your comments in the box where it says "Enter your comment . . . " After typing your comment, you can click on the far right "Notify me" box to ensure that you receive notification of both your own comment as well as my reply to your comment. Then click the "Publish" button.

If you go straight to my blog site rather than receiving an e-mailed post, you would not have to do Step 1 as listed above.

If you receive my posts via e-mail and reply to it directly, I will not receive your message. 

This should be much simpler than it is, in my humble opinion, but I'm not about to switch blog providers at this point in the year, and so we'll try to make the best of it. 

Your readership and comments are ever-so-much appreciated, and I truly hope that some of the bumps in the road that I've experienced here have not turned anyone away. Thank you for your persistence and encouragement!

A huge thank you also to my one-man I.T. crew, M. I couldn't have even written this post without you!

My wonders: Have you ever struggled with technology in an area of your life, to the point of deep frustration? Were you able to solve your problem, and if so, how? Now that you know how to comment on my blog, please do so! Lol!

Thought of the Week: Mourning the Loss of George, Someone I've Never Met

For those of you who know me well, you'll likely recall my near-life-long fondness for George Michael and his incredible music. His death on Christmas Day has shaken me more than I'd have ever imagined, and I've been experiencing my own form of mourning for this man whom I've, of course, never even met. While listening to his rich repertoire of music almost constantly this past week, I've been trying to make logical sense of this powerful emotional reaction I'm having. Aside from the fact that I am a generally emotional person, there must be more to my intense sadness, and so I've been peeling back the layers to try to find the answers.

I fell for George, born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, when I was around my E's age, which equates to a one-sided relationship of well over three decades. The first time I heard his voice, he became my fave singer, and I remember well watching his first music videos in the early 1980s, including 'Young Guns (Go For It!)', 'Club Tropicana' and 'Last Christmas'. My fall for the British-born singer was complete.

Through grades 7 and 8, while living in Basel, Switzerland, my friends and I at the International School of Basel (I.S.B.) all loved the album 'Faith', which was George's debut solo album after his split from 'Wham!' and bandmate Andrew Ridgeley. I will admit, somewhat sheepishly, that my bedroom walls were well-adorned with posters of George Michael during these years. They were carefully taken out of the European music magazines that my friends and I pored over, a few even purchased at the poster stores that were popular with tweens (not a word in the '80s, but a brilliant term now that I'm a mother of one) and teens during that time. Other than a few track athletes whom I revered later during high school, no other celebrity would ever make my walls to this degree! We blasted the title track 'Faith' at our Upper Class dance, a medley of grades 7, 8 and 9 students from around the world dancing and singing our hearts out, some of us coupling off to sway back and forth together to George ballads like 'Kissing a Fool' and 'One More Try'. 

Upon returning to Ontario I was highly disturbed by the fact that several of my Canadian pals initially thought, with some confusion, that I was speaking about the local radio station's D.J. when I spoke of my favourite singer. His name was George Michaels (note the 's' at the end), and some were surprised to learn that he sang (which I don't believe he did, at least not in a professional context). I was ready to turn tail, get back on the nearest airplane and head back to Basel, where not only my first boyfriend and fantastic friends were, but where people didn't need to think twice about which George Michael(s) you were talking about!

Those were incredibly successful professional years for George, 'Faith' winning the Grammy for Album of the Year, as well as winning multiple American Music Awards, MTV Video Awards, and a host of other international music awards. An aspect of George's talent that has always impressed me massively is that not only was he an incredible vocalist and performer, but he also played most of the instruments in many of his songs, and wrote, arranged and produced nearly all of his tracks as well.

George's second solo album, 'Listen Without Prejudice, Vol. 1' was released a few years later in 1990, and I was beyond excited to get my hot little hands on it. These were, of course, the days when you had to go to a store to purchase a C.D., and I remember vividly doing so at a mall on the outskirts of Toronto and listening to the album during the drive home. Rather like George seems to have done during the years between the release of those first two solo albums, I had a strong sense that I was maturing as I listened to this second solo effort. 'Listen Without Prejudice, Vol. 1' was a much more serious album, a moody and intense feel to many of the lyrics as George seemed to be working hard to be taken more seriously in his craft. Featuring more acoustic sounds, the departure from the more largely pop and funk sounds of 'Faith' gave the sense that George was growing up, and of course, so was I. The title of this album couldn't have been more appropriate in my opinion, and I found that I had to listen with my whole heart and mind as I grappled with this maturation. By day's end, after having listened to the album over and over, already committing the lyrics to memory, I was sold in every sense of the word and embraced this more mature sound and artist. Some of my favourite George songs (though believe me, I have many and there's not a one I don't like) were released on this album, including 'Waiting for that Day', 'Heal the Pain' and 'Soul Free'. 'Mother's Pride' which is also on the 'Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1' album has never failed to bring tears to my eyes. Not once. I have to be careful when I listen to it, and have been known to skip past the song when I know it's an inopportune time to have a tear-streaked face.

Over the course of his career, George also performed with many other artists, both in large groups as in the case of Band Aid's 'Do They Know it's Christmas?', and in many duets. Some of these fantastic pairings included performances with Aretha Franklin, Elton John, Lisa Stansfield, Astrud Gilberto ('Desafinado' being another one of my fave songs), Queen, Mary J. Blige, Paul McCartney and Mutya. He performed at countless charity events and concerts, and in addition to me and my little old self, he had millions of superfans, including Princess Diana. He was a great philanthropist, donating money and the proceeds from the sales of many songs to numerous causes close to his heart, including HIV and children's charities, and famine relief efforts.

In 1996 came the release of the album 'Older' and once again, George's talents boggled me as I savoured his soulful lyrics and vocals in such heartbreaking songs as 'Jesus to a Child' and 'You Have Been Loved' (another fave that brings on tears). And then as I was becoming more interested in jazz sounds myself, George released a beautiful compilation of cover songs in 1999 on his album, 'Songs From the Last Century'. He covered such iconic classics as 'Roxanne' and 'My Baby Just Cares for Me', which may have been a dangerous endeavour if attempted by a lesser artist, but sung by George, these songs simply took on a richer resonance for me. Then again, George could've sung the pages of the phone book or dictionary to me, and I'd have listened with bated breath and rapt attention.

The years passed, and we indeed had to be patient for the release of George's album 'Patience' in 2004. For me, as for millions of fans around the world, the wait was always well worth it. I so appreciated the personal side that George seemed to share through many of his lyrics on this album, including those in his song 'Please Send Me Someone (Anselmo's Song)', chronicling the love and loss he felt for his partner Anselmo Feleppa, and the subsequent love he was fortunate to find again in Kenny Goss, shared in his uplifting song, 'Amazing'. George had also lost his mother to cancer during the years between these albums, and grieving had taken an emotional toll on his writing ability during this time of loss. How ever could we not have had patience for him and his efforts?

Several compilation albums were also released by George over the years, including 1998's 'Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael', a two-disc set featuring one C.D. of songs "for the heart" and a second "for the feet", the 2006 album 'Twenty Five', again boasting two discs, one "for living", the other "for loving", and the 2014 album 'Symphonica'. On the heels of the release of 'Twenty Five' came an event that fans like me had long been hoping for, but truly not counting on: another live concert tour! And so on July 17, 2008, with my second daughter in the proverbial oven, I was one of the 14 802 lucky ticket holders who danced and sang along with George at the Air Canada Centre at the Toronto show of his 25 Live Tour. A serious bucket list event this was for me! I remember everyone in the crowd chuckling as George spoke to the audience between sets, referencing some of the controversies surrounding him by saying, "I haven't always made it easy to be a George Michael fan." While certainly I could recall a time or two when I'd shaken my head lightly when learning about a faux-pas of George's that was caught in the limelight which followed him, I'd never once wavered in my reverence for his talents or in my diligence in defending him when any people I know poked fun or teased me about his pitfalls. George said it best himself in an Oprah interview when he stated, "I'm a very lucky man. I live with a man I love dearly. I have more love and success and security in my life than I could ever have dreamed of. So really, I don't need the approval of people who don't approve of me." So perfectly said. George performed fabulously live, as I knew he would from having seen countless recorded performances of his live abilities (his unplugged sessions are incredible!), and this concert will surely always go down as one of my very favourites.

While I very much recognize that I can only know the superficial persona of a celebrity, gleaned from interviews and articles, I always felt that the spirit George showed was one of kindness, humour - often in the form of self-deprecation - and one who knows the importance of love. Here's where I, as a super-fan, get to fantasize: I imagined that we would get along, if left in a sitting room to chat over tea, and I would ask him countless questions about his songs, his beautiful lyrics, his inspirations and just about himself as a human being.

And so here I sit, truly mourning the unexpected loss of George, who was found dead in his home at the age of 53 by his partner, Fadi Fawaz. One-sided though it may have been, my relationship with George was a lengthy one, and the impact he had on me with his music was formidable: he played the soundtrack of my life for over three decades. My girls have grown up listening to him as well, knowing full well whom I'm speaking of when I use the singular name "George" when referring to him and his music, as in, "I need some George!". In being honest with myself, I have little doubt that his passing is having an even greater impact on me because of a number of losses that our family has experienced over the past couple of years, the decline of my dear Oma over the past few months, and my own mid-life ailments and the realities that come with the wisdom of this age. Mortality, that inevitable and inescapable factor of life, becomes ever more poignant with each loss that I experience.

 

I'm so grateful to George for the fantastic music and lyrics that he gifted us. Thank you for sharing your talents with us over these many years. I'll surely be listening to your songs for the rest of my days, and I wish your family and loved ones peace as they deal with your tragic passing. Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, thank you. May you rest in peace and sing with the angels. 

My wonders: Is there a celebrity figure whom you've liked/been a fan of for as long as you can remember? If they've passed from this world, how did their death affect you?