Thought of the Week: Self Compassion

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." 

~ Joseph Campbell

Think about Joseph Campbell's words for a minute; really let them sink in and make themselves known to you. At this very second (which is now already past us) the world's population is 7,476,906,780. That number is absolutely staggering in my mind. I'll admit that my gag reflex is triggered when I think of those numbers, as it is each time that I visit the World Population Clock website at http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/ which lets you watch the numbers of births and deaths in the world speedily click by in what appears to be real-time. That, however, is not the point of this post (though perhaps for one in the future). The point I'm trying to make here is that, in a world of 7,476,907,987 people, (Yes, that's what it climbed to in the few minutes that it took me to write the above sentences! Told you it's eerie!) you are the only one 'you', and that is something to celebrate.

I know, some of you might be shaking your head and smiling indulgently for my benefit right now, acknowledging that the softy Kindergarten teacher in me is emerging. Here she goes, spreading her Dr. Seuss-like message of uniqueness, as when that brilliant writer committed to paper the lines, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” But it IS true!!! Out of 7,476,908,826 people (so scary!), not one other human looks just like you do, thinks just like you do, acts just like you do, or feels just as you do. This is amazing! 

And yet too many people spend so much of their lives trying to change who they are, very often trying to be like one of those other 7,476,926,929 people (I took a coffee break with a friend between this and the previous paragraph, but seriously, that's a lot of people born during the time it took me to drink a latte!). It feels as though we're constantly being bombarded with contradicting messages in the media and society at large. It's boggling, being encouraged on one hand to be ourselves while facing headlines, how-to lists, articles, friends' advice and magazine covers boasting the key to how we can become something other, 'fix' ourselves, or become/look/act more like someone or something else, very often a celebrity of some sort in the public eye. 

"I found in my research that the biggest reason people 

aren't more self-compassionate 

is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent. 

They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. 

Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says 

being hard on yourself is the way to be." 

~ Dr. Kristin Neff

It often seems that the messages we receive are encouraging us to be 'better' versions of our current self. Now, don't get me wrong, I see the value in striving to be one's best self, in being a healthy and self-aware individual. But all too often we are using someone else's barometer by which to measure ourselves, and we've convinced ourselves that it's our own. We place emphasis on the perceived ideals of a society run rampant with stereotypes and marketing campaigns. We will, of course, be happier if we flutter lashes as long as the mascara model's. We will attract the perfect partner if we act and speak in a particular way. We must do 'this' to be the perfect parent, 'that' to land the perfect job, and umpteen other things to lead a happy life. And for goodness sake, with 7,476,933,925 other people on the planet to compete with for those jobs, partners, and for that happiness, we'd better toe the line and start changing. And fast!

Yet that happiness tends to elude so many as they strive to be more of 'this' or less of 'that'. Even those who see themselves as compassionate people, being kind to others and never dreaming of putting someone else down, do not show themselves that same kindness or respect. I constantly hear people I know, men and women alike, berating themselves for not doing more, trying harder, being better, reaching higher. For not measuring up. 

Many experts argue, however, that if you are not self compassionate, you are not truly capable of being compassionate to others; if you do not love yourself, you cannot fully love another. Might the case be that if we are constantly judging ourselves, we must as a logical consequence, be judging others as a natural byproduct? Are we playing the compare game, measuring everyone in our scope against these perceived standards? 

I've noticed that I've used the word 'perceived' multiple times throughout this post, and it triggered a connection to a previous post that I wrote here about fear: http://balancingb-g.blogspot.ca/2016/11/thought-of-week-fear.html. In that post, I talked about fears often being groundless, a mere product of our darkest imaginings, our thoughts, which are all too often not founded in reality. Think about a worry that you've had recently, something that's had you concerned, perhaps even quite anxious. Our bodies often react viscerally to this type of worry, tensing as the stress seeps in. Now try to step back from that worry, that fear, and look at it as though from the perspective of a removed bystander, through the lens of someone who knows that everything will turn out alright when all's said and done. Your thoughts about something dictate how you feel about them, and those feelings thus dictate how you react to them. 

The running commentary in our heads, that internal voice that tries incessantly to guide us through our lives from within, very often offers a less than compassionate narration of things. It is often fueled by perceived realities, which are ultimately nothing more than our own fears and imaginings, our thoughts that have often been moulded by a society trying to paint us into a picture that does not reflect our authentic selves. When I think of the 7,476,938,345 people in the world, too many of whom want to change something intrinsically 'them' in order to fit in or achieve a perceived standard, I want to weep. As a mother, when I think of two of those 7,476,938,621 people as being my amazing young daughters, I wish fervently that they might know self compassion at the deepest level, and that we might all practice kindness to ourselves so as to surround our children with the best modelling possible.

"Be kind to yourself. 

Remember that when you abuse yourself, 

you will experience the anger, regret and apathy of the bully as well as the depression, anxiety and insecurity 

of the victim. 

Whatever you do, be kind to yourself."

~ Vironika Tugaleva

Being that I consider everyone reading this blog a friend (to whom I'm ever-so grateful), and I have vowed to stand up to anyone who bullies my friends, I am now going to stand up to any voice inside of you that tells you you are anything less than marvelous! We are here on this planet for but a relatively short time. I hope that more of the 7,476,939,254 people here can savour the time as the uniquely fantastic creatures we are. As many have said, the world would be a terribly boring place if we were all the same. Allow yourself to be the authentic self you were meant to be. Forgive yourself. Strive to be happy, whatever that means to you, but make sure it is a happiness that resonates for you, and that it is not the perceived happiness that you think you would do best to seek. 

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. 

You really have to love yourself 

to get anything done in this world."

~ Lucille Ball

As one of the 7,476,939,756 (and counting) folks here on Earth, I do believe that we can make the world ever so much better if we all love ourselves just a little bit more. Well, I suppose there are a few out there who appear to have oodles of self compassion and plenty to spare. But for the rest of us mere mortals, just think about what you could achieve if you believed in yourself even a fraction as much as a certain Twitter-crazed, soon-to-be President of the United States does! Truly, the possibilities seem to be endless.

My wonders:  Do you practice self compassion easily, or is it a struggle? Do you follow any advice that helps you to be more self compassionate? If you are a parent, do you feel that you model self compassion? How? 

On an after-note, my family and I are heading off for some fun and relaxation in the sunny South next week, so I will be unplugged during that time, contributing even more infrequently to my blog than I have been! But that's okay, because I can forgive myself for my unpredictable and infrequent posting, as well as for my lack of technical know-how . . . there we go: practising what I preach! Lol!